Poem : Breaking Loneliness


your fear
which is completely unnecessary
is getting in the way of my utter lust for you
how can i properly overtake your senses
when you frequently push me away
and leave me disoriented with cheap excuses
bitter denials and judgment
you are not worth a change of character
my elegance and stature in place by design

besides, don’t think of me as a man or woman
for both are easily attainable and ordinary
their importance fading into their never-ending
struggle for equality and identity

instead, think of every desire you’ve ever had
to the very first one you can remember
no matter how dangerous they may be
now let them take the form of
anything that will please you
maybe a pair of
tight leather gloves
soft sand
a gun
luxurious fur
miles of deserted road
pouring rain
a rosary even

allow me to strip my skin
bend my bones
digest the proper dose of insincerity
as you bury your orientation and birthright
sealing the tomb with every insecurity
daunting your imagination
to enact an intrepid fantasy

there’s no one allowed in our domain
to determine or dissuade your actions
i will track them down and
place them at your feet as a peace offering
our secrecy will keep me waiting and wanting
i’m forever yours for the moment
yet i know you will never be mine

i often wonder what it would be like to own you
to have you in the way most dream about
our interactions fool you too
i have to know if every kiss would be as rough and sweet
would your touch still linger upon my skin
and calmly haunt me when i feel lonely and desperate
i could allow myself to fall in complete devotion
bestowing the curse of my loving obsession
locking you deep in my heart made of carbon steel
it would definitely fill the void we’ve created
yet barely acknowledge

or, i can shut you out completely
and drift on the endless sea of damnation without an oar
hoping to find the world is indeed flat as it once was
prepared to plunge headfirst into lightspeed
i’ve done this before
barely surviving on salt water and pieces of my own flesh
awaiting the darkness of alienation, yet
always shipwrecked on another shore full of temptation
another mirage to extract diversion

it turns out my desire is not
your mind
or conviction
you’re just a catalyst to my selfish torment
a cymbal clashing monkey i wind till rusted
rhythmic and precise in your tune of usage
i’m beyond your capability of illusion and guard
nothing about you can withstand my imperium
passion is my sword
blasphemy my shield
my uniform adorned with medals of my games
i’ll eventually forget you and you won’t be missed
abandoned to cough up the dust you left behind
i’m after a particular commodity
a balance made of the finer aspects of living
an adventure that has no ever after
a fearlessness exhausted in the midst of obstacles to freedom
what i want doesn’t seem like a biological being
it doesn’t seem like the love everyone stresses over

i can no longer feed the pit in my heart disposable parts
i can no longer endure the accumulation of disappointment and rage
i can no longer face another false smile

perhaps, the answer needed is for the question
what am i
am i comparable to the very unknown i seek
or a sponge from another world

time must be ticking there too
don’t we all wish for more time
i believe so

as of now, i need to arrange my fragments alone
i’m not ready to leave loneliness behind
it’s the only way i can focus
and dream about my past lives
for guidance
for embrace
for vulnerability
and for all that should be good

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